Broadcasting Life

stimulation

so last night, as square and i were talking, she decided she was going to get off line as we weren't "having a very stimulating conversation." then it hit me: i don't have stimulating conversations.

i can do the whole, "hi how are you?" conversation. short and sweet. but when it comes to good, deep down, stimulating conversations...i don't have them. i would give the world to have a stimulating conversation with someone, to be able to sit down and actually talk, but with me that doesn't happen. my brain doesn't think fast enough to come up with questions and all those sorts. most of my friends are good at preaching, which is good for me because i am a good listener and i will listen with my whole heart and not stop listening until they're done. but to be able to sit down and talk about something that is in their heart and be able to respond and to give good responses and to inquiry them...i don't have it. i would love to be able to talk like some of my friends do...sending emails, all sorts of things. i want to be able to go to lunch with some of my closest friends and just have a good heart to heart CONVERSATION, not them talking and me just sitting and listening to them vent. what happened to my communication skills? why can't i have a conversation? why can't i find a rebuttal for anything (i'm not sure i spelt rebuttal right or not, but right now i really don't care)? why can't i think up of a stupid silly obituary right then and there without thinking about it and just blurt it? i can't stand that when i need the words the most, they aren't there. i can bring stimulation to certain situations...like bringing energy to a dull, boring, group of people...but to a conversation...forget it.

this sucks.

i think part of the problem is that i think to much. i have way to many thoughts on my mind already and i just blow simple things such as a conversation way out of proportion. i can't participate in an argument, i can't stick up for what i believe in just because i can't think fast enough. 8 out of 10 times, the person i'm arguing with will walk away and ten minutes later i'll have the perfect comeback...but it's to late.

and now i will stop. that is my venting for tonight. i just want a relationship with someone where i can actually offer feedback when they want it. it may be that i have it and just not realize it, but i just want a stimulating conversation. i need a best friend that lives in bemidji...or maybe what i'm really looking for is the boyfriend to have stimulating conversations with...a different point of view...but i would have to stop being afraid of boys first....but that's a story for another time.