Broadcasting Life

OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

7) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

8) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

9) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

10) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

11) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

12) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

13) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

14) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased