Broadcasting Life

what i want

i've been thinking alot about what i really want in life. not just everyday choices, but where i want to be in life, what i can say i accomplished in my life time. i've always hated the question, "where do you think you'll be in 5 years? how about 10?" and here's the thing: i don't know! all last year, my roommate teased me about not doing things on the spur of the moment. i grew up with my parents who needed to know the who, what, when, where and why and how, so everything i did was planned out. my life and what i did was all about planning. and today it still is...but when i think about what i want in the future...i've realized that i've pretty much decided that i'm leaving it all up to fate. i used to have this dream that i wanted to move to a big city after college, live downtown, have the job of my dreams working at pixar, or disney or who knows were else...just somewhere where i can make a name for myself in the graphic design industry. i want to be the person that when someone needs graphic designing done, the first person to pop into their head would be me. "call andrea kroll," they'd say. and i want to meet the perfect guy...someone who can make me smile, laugh (which isn't hard), and someone who i can just tell everything to at the end of the day, that one person who i can't wait to see at any given time throughout the day. and i want to have kids....and i want this all within 5 to 7 years. i don't want to wait around hoping....i want to get a move on it! but i have my concerns. first off, i've never had a boyfriend, let alone beem on a date. wait...i went on 2 dates. with the same guy...and after prom, i realized he was kinda (not to be mean or anything...this is just the honest truth) a loser...the guy didn't have any friends that he would talk to at his prom. he didn't dance. he didn't talk. and he sure couldn't make up his mind! he always told me, "you're the leader, i'm the follower." come on kid! have some initiative! but besides that...i've never dated. one would think that you would need to date a couple of guys first before you pick "the one." but by the time someone actually asks me out on a date...it might be so late in my life that...who knows. i'll ask him to marry me right there. (actually, no i wouldn't....as much as it has been said that guys prefer girls who ask them out, i would rather just not...i have a small fear of rejection...i'm all for the guys asking!) but let's also get something straight...i'm not saying i'm desprete for a boyfriend right now...i could do with or without one. i'm just saying that it would be nice to have my first boyfriend. i've also been contemplating this: i've always dreamed of living in a big city. but what if that's not what i really want? living in the country might be fun...i could easily go for both ends of the spectrum. i was thinking that maybe right out of college i would move down to a big city and live right downtown...in a fun apartment (wouldn't that give my parents a heart attack! they realize that my life may lead me this way though and they completely support me). but if i do that...what if the type of person i want to be with, like lets say i end up liking guys with a country personality, what if i miss the opportunity to be with that kind of guy because i want to go and live in a big city for awhile...what if i miss out on that opportunity?

i think about this type of thing alot. i do realize that God has a plan for my life and that i should just lay back and enjoy the ride; stop having criciticals...not that this is one, but one day it very well might be. i'm just thinking...what if what i've always wanted in life, isn't what i really want, or what i really need? i still want the graphic design job... and i want it to be at a big firm...i would rather not have to deal with all the freelance stuff...but would if i had to, obviously. which it all leads into a vicious cycle. "where do you want to go in your life, andrea? what do you want to do with your life? my best answer for right now? i guess it's going to have to be as simple and as complex as this: Everything!


::::my notes::::
-times i ate out with habitat members this past weekend: 5
-amount of homework i FINISHED this weekend: 0...so far....
-no class on Wednesday! my plans? -go out to eat for lunch with habitat...or picnic maybe! -go rollerblading...get homework done!
-going home thursday night for easter and my sisters first communion...God Bless Alli!
-easter bunny's coming y'all! woohoo!
-following thursday...honors presentation...nnnnnnnoooooooooo!!! can't wait to have it done...then i'll just have a final test to take and i can kiss that horrid class goodbye!
-weekend after easter..can't wait! Twins game Friday night, cousins wedding sat., bringing my sister back to bemidji with me sat. night, sunday the whole fam is coming up to meet the habitat fam at the habitat stockholders banquet! i can't wait!